The Fears of Being Diabetic

Why the fears of being diabetic? Why not? I didn’t call them phobias, they are not debilitating. A good diabetic will acknowledge the risks and prepare for them. Risks in my opinion are simply controlled fears. Will I run out of insulin today or drop the bottle and break it? Past incidents have led me to be very careful of where I set it when it is out of the case, aka been there done that. There are so many of them I can’t possibly bring up and talk about them all. The whole point to this post is letting people know that there are many risks to being a diabetic and not everyone knows them or wants to talk about them.

By knowing the risks you can either avoid them or minimize the chances of them happening. My big fear is having a low. Its not as bad with the CGM (that leads to another fear all diabetics have) since it lets me know where I’m at with my blood sugar and most of all which direction it is going. I can avoid the lows by knowing they are coming before they get too bad. I carry Skittles in my pocket so when I know I’m going somewhere I will not have easy access to snacks. Cutting back on exercise is never an option for me. I was not raised that way and can’t get past wanting to give 100% at whatever I do, at home or at work.

My 40+ years of dealing with diabetic issues have led me with a few near phobias with the lows being at the top of that list. I have been told what I am like when my sugar gets low and that scares the hell out of me more than anything else. I become a very combative, aggressive person. People who know me can tell you how calm and passive I am normally but lower my blood sugar and I become a different person. When I was 12 I threw a nurse across our living room, I’ve knocked orange juice out my mom’s hand so many times I lost count, and I woke up with 8 EMT/firefighters holding me down on my bed to get an IV started. At work I have told them to never try to force me to eat or drink anything. Just call the EMTs and let them handle it. The fear is hurting someone I care about. My old doctor hated the fact I run my sugars so high to avoid it.

Another fear that I alluded to earlier is how I am going to pay for all the meds and supplies I need to stay alive. It is sad to say insulin is not the only med with this issue but it is the one I am most familiar with. The cost of the bottles of insulin have gone from $115 about 10 years ago to $295 currently. That is also with the insurance company discount. Buying it without insurance I’ve heard is more like $380 a bottle. The CGM is also a big cost. Each month with insurance I pay about $120 for the sensors. Without insurance they are about $450 each month. They are only meant to stay on for one week but to save money I will leave them on as long as I can, 3 weeks at times if the adhesive stays put. The transmitters are another thing. I pay about $250 for one transmitter that last only 3 months, $1,000 a year with insurance. Without insurance, I would ben  paying $1000 each for them, $4,000. What happens if I loose my insurance? It keeps me up during the day, I work nights so that is my sleep time.

Up comes another fear/risk, loosing my job. I hate to break it to those who feel the ADA protects them but I have been in situations where employers have been, lets just say creative, in forcing me to leave. I don’t think I’m a bad employee. I show up for work on time 99% of the time, I don’t call in sick very often, I do what I am asked to do whether it is a part of my “job” or not, I get along with coworkers well, and am willing to work overtime when needed. I’m not going to get into the politics of it but “right to work” states also allow an employers to let you go without a reason. They will not use the word diabetic in any letter or phone call since that involves the ADA. They can just give any excuse and let you go, if they respond in the first place. As far as getting hired, that is another nightmare all together. The easiest form letter to use is “we have gone with another more qualified applicant” one. Have they? I have wondered how many times they hear about previous situations of low issues and decide to not hire over it. I’ve read the fine print at the tale end of the applications. You give permission for the company to run background checks on you which includes credit, criminal, and employment. You give them access to your employee files from former employers.

An everyday fear/risk is not calculating insulin does correctly. Did I count the carbs right? Did I get the right ratio? Did I do the math right? I’m not perfect. I’ve screwed this up more than just once in 40 years. Don’t panic and make the correction. Eat more if you go low. Take a bolus if you go high. This one is really easy to manage. Its more annoying than anything else.

Fear is a constant companion for a diabetic. One you need to become friends with instead of being paralyzed by it. I could  die by walking out of my house and down the street today, but I’m still going to do it. I could screw up any of the diabetic things I’ll do today but I’m still going to do them. As I said it in past blogs, I’m 9 years past my expiration date so in my mind I’m not loosing anything if I died today. I can hear the gasps from here. It’s life. I’m going to die, everyone will die. Its just when will I bite the big one. I realize the issues of being a diabetic each day and I work with those obstacles. I control them and move on. Enough said.

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